Leaving the Scene of a Crash

I may have slain one of my computers, a laptop my parents gave me the summer before I entered my freshman year of college. If this is the end, perhaps it is a fitting time for that machine to go. I've finally received a physical copy of my diploma in the last few weeks, and I'm interviewing for what would be my first paying job after graduation tomorrow. A symbol of my late adolescence may have chosen to exit stage left.

This is the computer that helped me become an atheist, helped me win and lose my first girlfriend, find and secure several jobs and internships, and stored countless memories.

It would be easy to feel that I am burning down part of my past, but that's not how I choose to see the situation. I am leaving a part of my life behind me, where it belongs, to embrace new adventures. That's not just about the computer, by the way.

***

I've finished my interview, and it went well enough. The job is in telemarketing, so it's probably not going to be super challenging and the hours aren't that great -- but I need the money. I got great news today that I got an interview for another job - this time, one in advocacy that is ideal for me. It's something I can do at the same time as my Hill internship, which is really neat.

I'm feeling especially adult today. I've been incredibly productive. I wrote several people to ask where they're living after the spring, and soon I hope that I'll have arrangements for where I'm living after my current lease expires.

If I manage to land a paying job, even a part-time one, and I can find another good place to live for awhile, I'll feel pretty set for the time being. I still have a lot of leads, and I'm really feeling good about my life. I feel very proactive.

Every time I go to the grocery store and get food to eat instead of going out or ordering, every time I pick up dry cleaning and put it away instead of leaving it out, every time I write someone back quickly instead of dilly-dallying and forgetting to contact them...I feel progressively better about my life and what I'm accomplishing.

I'm not doing anything monumental yet, but I am seeking to become a master of small details that should add up to a larger picture. I'm taking time to establish a good, well-ordered life for myself as best I can, and I'm trying to manage the chaos and enjoy what I'm doing in the meantime.

I realize that today and yesterday are parts of the days where I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say. Still, I'm not writing this blog only to be interesting. I need to write, and I don't particularly care whether I say interesting things or not. I need to be persistent. I can't let the perfect become the enemy of the good, because goodness knows I've done that often enough in my life already.

Why I'm Writing (Introduction)

I'm not good at spontaneity. I should be. I write in spurts. I don't have enough discipline to write regularly - it's why I've never been able to keep a diary or a journal for more than a few weeks at a time. I want to change that.

I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind. This blog will be a space for me to accomplish that goal. I don't care if anyone else even reads these ramblings. Perhaps a few people will, although if they do read my writing in this space, I doubt they will go all the way back to my introduction. So, if you are reading this, consider yourself one of a happy (or unlucky?) few.

One of the great luxuries in life is to have close friends. This is especially true when you need someone to listen to your greatest fears, your insecurities, your ambitions, your dreams, and your hopes. Close friends aren't really a luxury - they're a necessity - yet not everyone has them, or has them to the desired degree. I don't.

That's part of why I'm writing - here, now. I'm writing for myself. I've heard advice before that said (here I'm paraphrasing) - "if you are writing for anyone besides yourself, then you won't be able to maintain the willpower to continue writing". I believe that's true, so I make two promises today:

1. To continue writing at least 500 words every day. 2. To write for a primary audience of one: me.

I am probably going to fail in at least one of these objectives. It's a personality trait that my ambition vastly exceeds my work ethic. I'm reasonably confident that, if previous efforts are any guide, I'll ratchet my pace down from once a day to a few times a week and then a few times a month. If I am able to write any more often than that, then I will judge this blogging effort to be a great success. That is my only guideline (besides trying to write at least 500 words every time I post).

On that point, why promise to write at least 500 words every time I post? While 500 words is an arbitrary goal, I don't want to cheat by writing something that has next to no content. I want to explore my thoughts - I want to roll around in my subconscious like a child rolling in a pile of fresh autumn leaves. I want to taste that freedom, so I need space to jump into.

Further, having a tangible goal is a great way for me to concentrate my thoughts. I've found that limits inspire my creativity, and I feel that this observation is true for many writers. Also, I can be an awful procrastinator, so without a specific guideline, it is likely that I'll only do the bare minimum when I'm not feeling inspired.

Lastly, I hope that writing more often will help me feel inspired more often. I want to unleash a virtuous cycle of writing. This project may help me begin that cycle. If you are reading this, thank you for following my journeys! As a final disclaimer: many of my entries will be extremely personal, difficult, or obscure. Sometimes, writing what's inside my mind will be a painful process. Please judge sparingly. I am striving to be as open as possible - that is all. Any other standard is beyond the mission of this blog.